Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
