I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
