Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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