We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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