I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
