we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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