Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
