you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
