remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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