Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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