I will die if light touches me.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Randomize
