Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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