she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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