Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
