the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
