Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
