You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
