I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
