Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
