The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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