I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Terrible idea I love it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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