can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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