Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
