I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
