Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
