i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
