Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
