I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
