I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
