i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
