trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she told me i tasted like america
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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