i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
