My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I intend to get homeless drunk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
