I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
