Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You need a sexual gate keeper
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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