hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
