wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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