my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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