Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A+ Viking dick
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
