I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
