so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
