May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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