you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
