bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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