i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
