as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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