i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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