If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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