I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
