I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
